what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
