evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
