This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
