mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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