anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
