Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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