I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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