watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
