Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
