I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
