I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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