I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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