if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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