Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
