1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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