hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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