hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
