What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
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