Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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