If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
