Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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