Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
