She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
