at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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