Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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