if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
