i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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