Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
