i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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