Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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