When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
