oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
