My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
