I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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