The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
