Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
