he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
