There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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