I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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