Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
