I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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