Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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