I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I look excited, but its just a facade.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
