giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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