My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
