guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
