Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
420 ftw
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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