I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
