Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
