Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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