I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
