got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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