after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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