Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
