My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
