the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
