I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
