did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize