He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
