Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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