I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
