I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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