Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
