Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
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he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
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Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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