So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Randomize
